Today, I am anxious and worried. I am unsettled and “on edge,” I am terrified because I feel “it” coming. I am on the cusp of another anxiety attack. I am about to weather another cold, dark and dismal depressive storm.
I work. I cook, I clean, and while I sometimes forget to do the dishes or dry the laundry — while I forget to eat — I have managed to purge my home, rearrange the closet, and clean the bathrooms. It’s like I’m prepping and nesting. I’m preemptively taking care of my space. But I know I can’t keep up this pace. I can’t outrun it and I cannot stop it and, the truth is, that scares me. I scare me. Especially now. Especially during this storm.
I find myself struggling to catch my breath. I feel numb and lonely. I stay in bed more, but sleep less. I question my faith, my value, my worth. I cry over stupid ****, like burnt out lightbulbs and unanswered texts. I cry over important ****, like love and money. And I cry because I am crying. I become reclusive because this weather makes it easy to isolate myself. I look for any and all the excuses I can— the excuses I long for — the excuses I need to cancel plans and just hide beneath the covers. I am a chemically and emotionally imbalanced mess. But what can I do to stop it? How can I save myself? I can’t. I can run and work and take my medication, but I cannot do one **** thing to stop this storm, nor can I avoid it. All I can do is hold on and wait for “it” to hit. All I can do is hold on and try: try to brace myself and trudge through, try to keep myself accountable and afloat. All I can do is breathe and weather yet another storm.