I stood in the peak of my apartment
And looked around at all the props
All the symbols of progress
The clutter I've collected
In the past several years.

And I said out loud
This is it
This is just it right now
Looking about like yes this is what makes sense
A quiet sadness louder than my own voice
Rang deeply
An awareness of something truly missing.

I can imagine a different kind of looking place
A different kind of life
Big open windows
Clean furniture
Purposeful items
Simple, beautiful
Ornate.

That something missing is a partner
A someone to share my adventures with
The good and the bad
Someone to scoop me up
Hug me into the night
Feed me a glass of wine
And celebrate the little big moments
Of our lives.

I don't have that right now
I've experienced it in spurts
And fought hard to nourish it
To keep it.

My best friend says I just want something deeper
So I lead with my wants
I try that on for size
A morning of sleeping in late
Missing yoga, responsibilities
My cat needing constant attention
I sit in my apartment
And I let outside pressures go.