this was the endless cycle and the reason i am alone.

i remember you calling me beautiful,
i couldn't look at you.
you liked me,
actually liked me.
that's what scared me the most.
you wanted to hold me and i wanted to kiss you and hold your hand.
my stomach turned into a butterfly garden as the thought of you loving me kept me up at night.
i couldn't do it anymore.

it was almost a year.
longest relationship i had without feeling uneasy about holding hands.
it was one day in art,
painting a landscape for you.
it felt wrong.
it felt all wrong.
i couldn't do it anymore.

the fear caught up with me constantly.
i closed my eyes and forced myself to believe  that the love given to me was built on guilt and lies.