I’m in a weird place right now [mentally, not physically].
Last night, I had the most horrible dreams. Things that really just hit me emotionally and mentally. And normally when that happens, all I want to do is wake up and forget everything in those dreams by doing so. And I usually do wake myself up, even if it’s subconsciously. But this time, whenever I felt my consciousness beginning to stir and realized that I was only dreaming and would wake up soon, I buried that thought and stayed asleep. I WANTED to suffer through those terrible nightmares. So I slept all day. And when I finally woke up, I realized what I was doing. And it completely baffled me. So I thought about it and then all at once, the answer came to me. It’s scary to think, but I’ve realized that I really do not want to live anymore.
I’d rather stay asleep and suffer through my innermost horrors coming to haunt me rather than wake up and face another day of this endless reality. And this really bothers me. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I’m not suicidal or anything. I don’t think I would ever **** myself. I’m way too afraid to do that. I’m just saying that if Death was to come to me and give me the choice to take his bony hand and go peacefully with him, or continue on living in this waking nightmare, I am more than positive I would grab his outstretched hand and disappear with him.
And that’s why I’m in a weird place right now [mentally].