The moment I started to lose myself I knew it was wrong.
When I became comfortable around you it became apparent you were becoming an obsession.
My mind became clouded with only you.
I thought it was okay to feel this way.
I thought of you as my best friend even though what I felt was anything but platonic.
Those moments I became enamored with a mere smile from you.
When you started to ignore me I thought nothing of it.
But then your cold gaze would trap me in its ever unfamiliar way.
I didn't know what it meant but the fear would always be enough to keep me up at night.
Did I do something wrong?
My mind would then go in deep into myself to search for an answer.
Suddenly I was reevaluating who I was.
I deserved it.
She was leaving me and the only reason I could find was me.
My mind twisted everything around.
In order to protect myself, I blamed her.
She was perfect in every way while I was flawed in every way.
I already knew it but I kept hiding under a sheet of narcissism.
I didn't want to admit I was wrong.
I didn't want to apologize for my mistakes.
I spoke badly about her any chance I got.
It would come out of mouth bitterly and I just wanted to spit it out before I could realize what a lie it all was.
But of course, I would then step back and realize how wrong it was.
I held a grudge while she was off accomplishing and prospering.
I stayed in the past while she was making way for the future.
My anger dissipated over the years.
It turned into regret.
It turned into self-hatred.