I really didn’t want to make this.
And really don’t feel like saying this

In fact the only reason I can say this is because my music drowns out reality and I can pretend that I’m far away in a fantasy

The whole time I wrote this it hurt me.
I don’t know why it did and still does a bit, it just.. does and it just… is
In fact, that’s exactly how it is.

I’m not saying I have depression, I’m just I’m sad, was, will be... sad
I don’t get up in the morning, I lie there until I have to be dragged out of bed, kicking abd screaming

It’s strange. I used to describe it as being dead,
but sometimes I felt so much it killed me

I’ve always been like this, since I was a kid I didn’t want to do anything
Didn’t care about anyone
lay in my room for hours, days, weeks and now years,
crying myself to sleep every second night and not sleeping every other

Because of how I feel I’ve done so many stupid things
that I shouldn’t have done.
Things that hurt me, killed me
and some of those around me…
Because of how I feel I’ve gotten myself involved with so many bad people that
hurt me
and
hurt you.

I told my parents that I cut my hands and arms
and in response to their disbelief
I simply asked how they had not noticed. I was crying, however my cry was hidden behind thousands of layers of irony, self deprecation and sarcasm
A little pain behind each
I’m ok
I feel fine
I'm Good thanks and you

My sisters gone, studying overseas, I never see her, never talk to her
I’m still here and…
I’m not sure I want to be...

My parents don’t know how to deal with me,
You look so mopey, just smile.
Change your mindset and just try.
That’s... that’s just not how it works.
So I just told them that I’m fine now and I’m happy and I don’t do the things I used to.
I still do and… I’m not.

Everytime I forgot something somewhere I was reminded of how much of an idiot I am
How dumb could I possibly be
“Oh you clutz, you fool, you *******”
Always late for class,
always forgetting your stuff.

Now, I know my poem isn’t anything special, no rhyme no structure but that's how I feel
Unstructured
Unstable
Falling apart

I only realised how bad I was this weekend.
I asked someone one question with no context, yes or no.
They said yes, and so I went and did something, maybe trivial to you, but something I would never have done otherwise.

I realised that I can be happy, that people love me, no… that I can love people, and I love those people regardless if they love me back or not.
And still...

It’ll still take time. Right now I’m pretty down but I’ll get better and so will you.

I know it’s easy to brush it off.
Laugh at it and make fun of it, but it’s real and it hurts you, kills you…
I’m glad I learned this in time.
Thank you.

Well...
at least that’s what I told everybody before I went home
To cut myself and cry
They needed some cheesy saying to make it acceptable
They needed a happy ending
Or at least a bitter sweet message

I feel ****