If I could sob onto the paper (or the screen)
And it could let out even a piece of what I'm feeling
I would do it
How have I been writing these poems for 4 years?
How have I been struggling for so long?
Why am I not better?
Just last night
It was on the tip of my tongue
I want to die

I cant quite explain the feeling
But it's like my mind is on a tether
My strange little brain is a balloon on a string
And when the panic attacks come
I'm being filled too full with helium
Ready to pop and explode inside my skull
Or perhaps
Ready to just float away
Gone forever
Never to return

It's that feeling that scares me the most
Knowing that there is only a tiny little bit needed
To push me to that pop!
To cut away my string
So I can explode and create carnage inside this constricting skull of mine
Or so I can float away, away, away, away
Would everyone ask where I went?
"She went to the loony bin"
Is what the answer feels like

You feel it too
Last night
You asked if I should call a hotline
You've never said that before
In that moment, I could almost see it
See the snap
See me chained to a bed, an iv in one arm
Sedated sedated sedated at last
Floating on those puffy grey clouds
Maybe then everything could stop feeling so sickly neon green and tangerine yellow
Nasty colors making up a mind filled with sicky sickness

I'm sick
But not from allergies
I'm very ill
But it's not food poisoning
I can't come to work today
Because I'll be busy rocking myself in a corner
I need someone to take my temperature
If only I could stop my hands from shaking, from hitting
I'm worried it might be contagious
I can't imagine how anyone could put up with this

How do you explain that feeling of your brain wanting to climb out of your head?
How do you stop it when it finally decides to do it?
What will happen to me if I let myself snap?
If I let myself float away?
Can I last another 22 years like this?