I don't get why people look forward to their birthdays
I always dread my birthday
I wish it could have been avoided
All that unwanted attention

But the truth is I hate it because of the unwanted attention I don't get
I just sit on my bed, alone, waiting for my phone to buzz: A message, a call, anything. Even a hbd on my facebook timeline would do.
But no
All I get is silence
Is this all I deserve?
Why do I let how many people wish me determine my self worth?
I know it doesn't matter but on my birthday its my anxiety that has a party
If people I talk to only once a year don't wish me I am okay with it
But they are the only ones who do
The rest tell me they forgot
and I
brush them off by saying that "It doesn't matter" with a fake smile
Even though it does
Even though my lack of self esteem leaves me feeling lonely, depressed and with a tear streaked face

Cause the thought that even the people whom I care about don't remember me, do they really care about me?
Its a scary thought having no friends especially when it's true
This is why hating the day makes it easier to survive it
Hating it makes the day lose its power;this grip it has over me

I am desperately waiting for the day when this grip is loosened but until then I will continue to hate it