An endless ripple of problems pretty much sums up my 2016
I started the year unsteady and not so long after it led to a tragedy
I put my life on hold ; a story yet to be told
I found myself lost and oh dear that wasn’t the only cost
I damn right felt like I was cursed
because the aftermath was so much worse
I felt stuck on this never ending downward slope
where my only option was to cope
I went from trauma to self hate, extreme anger
to pity and depression - the cruel cause?
I couldn’t even mention.
Everyday from then on was just a matter of getting through the day
but “I’m okay” is what I would always say.
My anxiety got worse ; insomnia on a high
- sleepless, for the future I feared
while drowning in tears
I had zero motivation to do anything,
felt like such a useless being.
My family misunderstood me, perceived it as lazy
couldn’t quite see that depression was eating me
There were so much things I wanted to do,
didn’t even bother asking anymore because I knew
that the answers would be the usual:
‘No Phoebe’ or ‘It’s for your safety.’
But despite all the madness and deceit
My family and I still believe
that God is good, all the time.
for In 2016, my relationship with God grew so much deeper
To Him I have cried out so much rivers
Breaking down often became my norm
Then one day, I saw myself in cloud form
(it was a cloud shaped like a side profiled girl with her hair tied in a bun)
It was so beautiful, it made me so happy
but you know what that cloud was that I wasn’t?
Free.
That cloud was like a message, that soon I would be.
“Phoebe be patient, continue to Trust in Me.”
The night before I took that photo,
I had a pretty normal, untriggered breakdown - it wasn’t as bad as the rest.
I guess at that time I was just wallowing in self pity
But wow God was there, listening to me
and that night my hair too was in a bun,
whilst balling my eyes out until the morning sun.
Weeks later yet again things got heavy,
another problem that made me unsteady
There were wars inside my head
that didn’t let me go to bed
It was a battle between
my mind vs the spirit of my soul
I had so much faith, dreams, plans and goals….
then all of a sudden, I wasn’t so hopeful.
I wanted to rise, but a part of me wanted to bid goodbye
One quick fact: I am afraid to die.
But this….this was no lie
A self inflicted death was all I had in mind,
to end the struggle and put everything to rest
and I thank God, for I held until my birth month - September
where things started getting much, much better
and I thank Him again, because even if I was a mess,
I am blessed. Blessed with family and friends
that got me through the toughest.
To my mom, who probably even felt more pain
Even if we don’t always understand each other ;
drive the other insane
I promise you sunshine after all the rain
God’s got us, He continues to provide
I know we’re gonna be alright
through every heavy fight
To my best friends, I am so sorry
for making you all worry
For that latter point when I shoved you all away
because none of you would ever understand my brain
I was so stubborn but thank you, for choosing to stay
It was stupid, to be angered at your concern
but eventually I did learn
That that was when I needed you guys the most
And for anyone now reading this post :
I just want to say that whatever battle,
problem or struggle you’re going through
Nothing will ever be greater than our God, and His love
you can cast all your worries to the One above.
The photo continues to remind me to hold on,
to keep in mind that God has a plan, He is our strength and refuge
And He gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers.
He won’t ever give you challenges you can’t handle.
One day for sure, after everything I still have to face,
I will then share my case ;
a tragic memory to a beautiful testimony of how God is the remedy