I find myself in this state of mind, where I fear getting better, I am totally and utterly afraid of what is going to happen and I don’t know how to process such things. I don’t know why I am locking myself away from such a wanted and needed feeling that is right in front of me, I keep myself withdrawn from ever feeling something good for too long, I fear comfort in happiness. I am so scared to fall too deeply into something I may not come out of—once again as I tend to desert  myself in places I don’t know how to find my way back to, for I vanish into thin air and leave with the words ‘I love you’. I wake up with an ache in my heart, and full medicine bottles on my night stand as I  repeatedly spiral out of control just to never reach the end of this, I am a bottomless pit of disparity. I feel like I am drowning myself, Where my mind is trying to **** me, and my heart is involuntarily keeping me alive, I am suffocating; I’m trying to breathe but I simply cannot reach the surface for air, I am far too deep to come back.