3am, and
the phone call
felt like swallowing shards of glass
i was coughing up blood
by the time she said
"try to get some rest"

i couldn't tell her that
i was resting all along,
should've spent more time awake
for you
but i was always pretty selfish
absorbed by "the process"

should've processed your pain,
you bled it out at my feet
and i stepped over it
to keep my shoes clean

i wrapped my arms around your stomach,
twisted your pendant around
between my fingers,
never bothered to ask
what it meant,
where it came from,
or why you never took it off

i liked your red curls,
soft on my shoulder
everytime we hugged

and the way your smile
was a gateway to your agony,
deep like the sea,
i could see the bottom,
but was too scared to go there,
too scared it would feel familiar,
too scared i wouldn't wanna leave,
i'd drown just to taste
something infinite,
real and unwavering,
something bigger than me

i always needed to be
the biggest thing in the room,
drank attention like water,
never cared if it was laced
with poison

you were something challenging,
an honest energy i never knew before,
kindness that radiated from the core,
no hidden motives,
no secret schemes,
you were love,
profound, gaping,
quiet and raging,
and you were reaching your hand out,
everything pointed right for me

but i did what i always do,
i recoiled,
fell back into myself,
spent months alone
smoking cigarettes
out my bedroom window,
writing bad poetry,
and starving just to feel

then there was that february night,
a leap back into the world;
i remember the navy blue darkness,
the sky like a rock,
no movement,
no color,
the crisp cold,
the way it stuck on my bones,
shivering in jordan's basement,
clinging to a bottle of *****
for warmth,
r.j.'s shakey voice
cutting the frozen silence
in a roaring whisper,

"he really cares about you,
he's having a really hard time,
you should reach out,
i know it'd matter"

and i remember the lies,
as clear and harsh and hitting
as they were that day
when i promised i would
but never did

why didn't i?

all it took was one misjudgment,
you clenching a steering wheel,
shattered glass,
full air bags,
drained lungs,
all that you were,
every bit of you,
snapped like a twig,
in the brassy grip of night,

and just as intensely as you came,
you vanished

your voice was light as air,
would've thought it was drippling
out of the sky,
i was barely listening,
hardly heard you say goodbye