Apr 2018
I never detail the contemplations to which my mind steers me
Forcing me to see that demon in the mirror that still drives this fear in me
It’s the fear of hitting my breaking point but not sure of how far I’ll go
Just to ease the pain I suffer from & will it cause my blood to flow
I keep having this dream where I’m stuck inside a bathroom, sitting in a bathtub
With a bottle of liquor, a razor blade, & a loaded gun sitting next to me on the floor
Candles lit, music blasting, but here I am shedding tears that everyone else ignores
I’m questioning why I never talk about these issues when i already know the reason
Revealing the dark truth about my suffering while trying stop many from leaving
So should I drink my sorrows away or take a bullet to the brain
Or cut myself to drown in a tub of blood before someone calls me mentally insane
Which poison do I choose? Which evil is worse than the other?
If this inner demon comes outta me, would the pain still be hard to discover?
I remain trapped within the mind as I stare at the ceiling as Monster plays in my head
Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before I either snap out of it or I end up dead
Clock’s ticking, blood’s spilling, liquor’s burning my liver, & my soul starts to shiver
I feel the monster inside of me coming out but I can’t bare to look into the mirror
Do I face the music finally or do I keep running away as it keeps breaking me down?
Pretending to be okay knowing on the inside my death is due to be announced
I’m in the final seconds & I still haven’t made my decision
Blade in my left hand with the gun cocked in my right
Threw the blade on the floor before I put the gun to my head
Saying my last goodbye to those I love but then I get that phone call
It’s my best friend crying hysterically trying to catch my fall
There’s a pound on the door but I’m refusing to open it
Cocking the gun back once more right before the door gets broken
BANG the gun goes off & I black out, waking up on the floor unconscious
Then I open my eyes seeing 3 people standing over me as I become nauseous
They pull me up as I’m looking over at the tub to realize that it was never real
It wasn’t me in the tub that I was trying to ****
No gun, no blade, & no bottle present just my phone face down with the music still playing
I just fell asleep on the floor next to that anxiety bottle that I was taking
But it made me realize how I got lost in that world seeking any way to escape
Even it it meant taking out myself just to get me away from that hell crafted place
Forcing me to see that demon in the mirror that still drives this fear in me
It’s the fear of hitting my breaking point but not sure of how far I’ll go
Just to ease the pain I suffer from & will it cause my blood to flow
I keep having this dream where I’m stuck inside a bathroom, sitting in a bathtub
With a bottle of liquor, a razor blade, & a loaded gun sitting next to me on the floor
Candles lit, music blasting, but here I am shedding tears that everyone else ignores
I’m questioning why I never talk about these issues when i already know the reason
Revealing the dark truth about my suffering while trying stop many from leaving
So should I drink my sorrows away or take a bullet to the brain
Or cut myself to drown in a tub of blood before someone calls me mentally insane
Which poison do I choose? Which evil is worse than the other?
If this inner demon comes outta me, would the pain still be hard to discover?
I remain trapped within the mind as I stare at the ceiling as Monster plays in my head
Knowing that it’s only a matter of time before I either snap out of it or I end up dead
Clock’s ticking, blood’s spilling, liquor’s burning my liver, & my soul starts to shiver
I feel the monster inside of me coming out but I can’t bare to look into the mirror
Do I face the music finally or do I keep running away as it keeps breaking me down?
Pretending to be okay knowing on the inside my death is due to be announced
I’m in the final seconds & I still haven’t made my decision
Blade in my left hand with the gun cocked in my right
Threw the blade on the floor before I put the gun to my head
Saying my last goodbye to those I love but then I get that phone call
It’s my best friend crying hysterically trying to catch my fall
There’s a pound on the door but I’m refusing to open it
Cocking the gun back once more right before the door gets broken
BANG the gun goes off & I black out, waking up on the floor unconscious
Then I open my eyes seeing 3 people standing over me as I become nauseous
They pull me up as I’m looking over at the tub to realize that it was never real
It wasn’t me in the tub that I was trying to ****
No gun, no blade, & no bottle present just my phone face down with the music still playing
I just fell asleep on the floor next to that anxiety bottle that I was taking
But it made me realize how I got lost in that world seeking any way to escape
Even it it meant taking out myself just to get me away from that hell crafted place
