These days, I don't pretend to be something  I'm not.
You see, there are so many things in life that I thought I wanted,
That I easily forgot.
Whether they were relationships I've tried to force,
Or the things that I've bought..
They eventually turned me into something that I'm not.

I had dreams and I had goals -
They helped me survive through a world of pain.
Personal relationships became nothing but black holes -
An abyss - a dead end - with nothing to gain.

I grew up believing that, to love, you had to be a savior.
You had to fix the broken pieces - hide your own - give more, more, more.
You weren't allowed to be weak -
Never reveal what you truly fear (feel).
In raising myself,  I made careless choices,
But at least the lessons were made clear.

I barely had a "dad",
I barely have a "mom"..
I swore I'd never be them -
But clearly, I was wrong..
I'm not proud of that, I have many regrets..
At least I'm aware & getting better,
Despite the devil placing his bets.

I am all alone, a choice I have made for myself.
There are fewer moments of self-loathing
As I continue to work through my mental health.
Though, it could always be worse -
I prefer to think of better.
That empty, self-destructive machine I once was -
I do my best everyday to forget her.

I still make mistakes - I still **** **** up,
But thank GOD I am no longer trying to pour from an empty cup.
I have done too much damage,
Allowing others to damage me, too.
It has taught me not to give everything
To people that don't care about YOU.

You don't have to suffer and exist as a robot.
Now is as good a time as any
For you to stop trying to be
Something that you're not.

♡