it's staring your reflection in the eye,
dripping wet and naked after a shower,
realizing with a sort of cruel stiff detachment that
your eyes are so dark you can see another version of yourself reflected in them

it's crying till you hyperventilate because of the sharp
hurt in your
chest on some days
and not being able to shed a single tear despite the ache on others

it's being terrified of yourself because you
can't
decide which is worse - being dead or dying.

it's watching your hands shake as you try to explain
how you feel without simultaneously dissolving into the very
shards of glass you're trying to put back together

it's slamming the doors of your heart shut
to every single good-intentioned well-meaning soul
who's ever had the misfortune of attempting to make you open up
because kindness be ******, you know deep within yourself
that you are beyond saving

it isn't always plain to see but
you can feel it every single waking moment
and you can't even remember what it was like to not have it
creeping in your life, ******* the air out of your lungs,
draining away your joy

it's the despair you feel on dark days when
the realization that it will be with you for your whole
life hits you and god, you just wish you could end it right there.

but you don't.

you crawl into bed with eyes blurry from tears and a nose so blocked you can't even breathe and you
wake up the next morning and you do it all over again
but somehow you hang on to the hope that one day,
one day things could be different and even though you know
it's more likely that you'll be in despair your whole life
you let that small shred of hope tide you through because
without it you would be dead
and you accept that this is your life now,

and it will be for a long time to come.