from the concrete, i grew.. a rose, more thorns than petals.
withering & dull.

growing has been deceptive.
i stopped cutting my wrists and my thighs, i stopped drowning myself in depressing music to cope with depressing thoughts. no longer walking with my head down, no longer crying myself to sleep each night; pillows smothering cries that are loud in the most silent way possible.
to the days *** & intimacy were ways to cope with issues deeper than me.
where being invisible was the only thing i dreamt of.
the desire to just fall off of the face of the earth, to disappear into my darkness and no longer feel anything. i was happier than i ever even realized.

now, i bottle things up. i DEAL..
i don't cry, i don't cut, i deal.
i put a smile on my face and keep my head high, i am the imperfectly painted image that could define the word strong.
i speak positivity, i breathe, i meditate and i know how to channel better energies.. but i am still numb.
though i seem strong, i am still weak! weak because i shut down! i let situations make me cold and hard.. no longer soft and sweet, i no longer feel anything so how does happiness get to play its role in my life?
whatever happens to me, i take and i make situations that should destroy me look like child's play.
there is fire beneath my skin and i am unintentionally still broken.
ive made peace with the parts of me that tell me to give in and that i need someone.
i cant give in.. and i don't need nobody.. nobody needs me
but, i need someone?
being strong is lonely.
being lonely makes me feel weak.
too dependent on myself... "i cannot depend on nobody" so i don't need nobody.
too afraid to let them near me, i would rather be alone than to return to my brokenness. i choose me. i choose lonely over the bittersweet feeling of having someone, because you never really have someone like you wish you did... but i need somebody?

alone with myself, alone with my thoughts..
mind racing because im infatuated with the idea of perfection and control. the only form of perfection i need is the perfect way to get over myself and let go.
i think too much because i am too alone with me.
i don't give anyone the chance to be alone with me because i am busy being alone with myself.
can someone handle all that comes with me? how will i know when the only interaction i have with people consists of me realizing how incapable they are of ever having me on the levels i want to give myself..
i love me. and i know you love me too.. but i love me way more than you.