I am told every day by my 83 year old grandfather to
Cheer up, smile, no one wants to see you looking like that
And every time, I smile weakly, look him in the eye and despondently reply
Oh, sorry. Didn't sleep well

And I didn't.
I was too busy thinking how nice it might be just to drift into this sleep and not awake.
And then at 4am drifting off... hoping.

Disappointed, it's 7 am. The sun is shining, I know I should be grateful to be alive.
But I'm not.
I'm just disappointed to be held accountable for myself every morning,
and not have the guts to do anything about it.