Oct 2012
Of withered petals just and nearly red
which falling from my hairy hands to bed –
these flower pieces can’t make up a whole
but soon enthrall your drunk and curious head,
and puff as fervent, brisk i lay you down;
upon the busy spread soft, scattered soles
of four (some sockless) feet, one evening gown,
and fresh-laid drying petals bounce around.
It seems your innocence that this night stole
but ****** ties were freed as we were wed –
the Stolen are the flowers from the ground
now serving us as petals in a bowl.
Our Romance culminates in quickly dying,
you, sitting on the now-red petals, crying.
which falling from my hairy hands to bed –
these flower pieces can’t make up a whole
but soon enthrall your drunk and curious head,
and puff as fervent, brisk i lay you down;
upon the busy spread soft, scattered soles
of four (some sockless) feet, one evening gown,
and fresh-laid drying petals bounce around.
It seems your innocence that this night stole
but ****** ties were freed as we were wed –
the Stolen are the flowers from the ground
now serving us as petals in a bowl.
Our Romance culminates in quickly dying,
you, sitting on the now-red petals, crying.
I would appreciate any feedback on this poem. The words I have in bold are those that I believe need work. The first one because I believe there can be something better than and, the second because i want to imply something ******, but quiver is not quite right and dance doesn't really make sense, the last because I believe (partly) there is too much sappiness involved in this couple being wed.
Also, I am looking for a word that can mean both, "cut" and "tie" or "tie" and "untie," as I am looking to imply that her virginity was freed when she was married, but they each assume a sort of piety, or virginity in the sanctity of marriage which is somewhat chaste – compared to unmarried ***. I guess the word I am looking to replace is "freed" or even to change the metaphor of tied virginity.
Also, I am looking for a word that can mean both, "cut" and "tie" or "tie" and "untie," as I am looking to imply that her virginity was freed when she was married, but they each assume a sort of piety, or virginity in the sanctity of marriage which is somewhat chaste – compared to unmarried ***. I guess the word I am looking to replace is "freed" or even to change the metaphor of tied virginity.
