Please stop telling me that I want to die.
I have woken up, every morning for the past seven years to you whispering into my ear “today is the day”. And every morning I tell you no, I remind you of all I have, of all the people that I love. I explain how dying would hurt them. How, even though I’m not good, I still play an important part in this world.
It sounds so easy, to just say no.
It’s not.
See, some days it’s just a whisper. Barely audible over the chatter in my mind. But, some days, you are screaming. I can hear nothing else but you saying “Today is the day” over and over again. Those days I have to grit my teeth and force myself to say no, even if I so badly want you to be right.
Those days come more often now. And even when you are just a whisper it is becoming harder and harder to resist.
Twice before I haven’t said no. Both times God stepped in and said no for me. I was made to live anther day.
But these times haven’t come without consequence. Each occasion has caused more cracks in the dilapidated foundation of our family. I have been left with a failing body and a broken heart that is still yet to recover. Each time I become less and less human, losing large chunks of my self. So I need you to stop whispering in my ear, because if it happens again I don’t think I’ll have anything left.
Can’t you just take satisfaction in the fact that you are winning. Every whisper from you makes my fingers itch for the razor blade stashed away in my room. When I close my eyes I often see images of myself stepping out in front of a car or swallowing pills or jumping off a tall building. You are winning my mind; can’t that be enough for you? Why do you need to take more?
So, I ask again, please stop telling me that I want to die because one day I just might believe you.