I'm more Oprah than Gayle, so 1 day, when my “husband” came home from being a lesbian I decided to kiss “him” on the lips. He, naturally, couldn't stand the blood-constricting **** strap so I gave him a million dollars from the winning lottery ticket that I stole from his uncle's neighbor. Don't stop kissing me because I'm a morbidly obese, alcoholical lesbian *****! I need mucho perverted marriage-equality understanding now!