i've been thinking about you
for awhile.
at first,
i found the whole thing pretty funny.
the parade of women.
all the photos that
suddenly disappear
only to be r e p l a c e d
the next day
with all new ones.

then i saw a photo of you,
and you reminded me of myself,
before you know who
quite literally
destroyed my entire life.

and i became genuinely concerned.
are you a hardened old ***** in disguise?
doubtful.
so you are probably a wonderful,
sweet, intelligent,
beautiful woman.

let me ask you this,
how would you feel if
you saw a baby in the jaws
of a wolf?

because that's how i feel
when i see photos of
the two of you
together.

alarmed. like i need to take action,
and help you
because i'm not
a ******* monster
like he is.

so this is not about him.
up until now i'm sure it has been.
but once you know the truth,
it is about you.
and you will be making a choice.

before you,
there was your predecessor.
and before her,
there was me.

Mrs. Buscemi.

for 10 years.
his fiance 6 months before that
and his girlfriend 2.5 years before that.

do i know everything about this man?
admittedly not.
but i do know more than anyone else,
including him,
and including you.
and if you were ever married
or in a relationship that long
you would understand and
feel the same way.

i get the appeal.
especially now.
everyone seems to admire
and love him.
he has energy and passion.

but he is also mean.
ungracious.
ungenerous.
and downright cruel.

you would never know this by looking at him.
but i know.
and if you don't listen,
so will you.

in my recollection,
the grace period is about a year,
year and a half.
maybe he hasn't even
screamed in rage at you yet.

i mean,
especially because he had someone right before you,
and someone right before her.
someone he put on a ring on.
twice.
sorry, three times.

he likes to punch things
when he's angry,
like holes in walls.

he also likes to hurl what he would
refer to as some kind of radical honesty
but is really just an insult,

for example,
during a fight when i locked myself
in our bedroom probably 2 years into
marriage,
he screamed, "****"
at the top of his lungs
while trying to punch or kick
the bedroom door down.
go ahead and ask him.

i had NEVER in my life
experiences anything like this.
i was terrified.

when you ask for help around
the house,
or say, ask him to help with dishes
since you cooked dinner,
he might say,
"why should i clean? i never asked you to cook me anything."

he likes to buy things.
A LOT.
he is very attached to toys
and machines,
and his outward appearance
to the world.
not so big on the love.
you have to remind him
to call his mom
and sisters.
sometimes you have to tell him
that certain things are important for families.
you will think you can fix him or save him
or help him,
but he will eat you alive.

every single person in his life
that you have met are looking at you as
a replacement to a replacement.
i was the original.
i had his name.
i know so much more
about him than you it's literally insane.
you have to understand,
i thought i was going to grow old and die
with this man,
so you can probably see how
this could be upsetting.

he refused to shovel
or plow snow
for years.
not once cleared a spot
for his wife.

he does an absolute **** job
of anything around the house.
he stuffed clay in a mouse hole
outside once in a house
we rented.

he will take your love
your energy
your devotion
your sacrifice
your money
your ideas
and he will run.

i know you think you're different.
and maybe you are.
but let's look at the numbers.

did he tell you
that your predescessor
was a friend
that had put us up in her home
years ago?
i slept in her bed.

and what i got for 10 years
of marriage with this man
was
n o t h i n g.

he was talking to her
behind my back
while we were
still married.

maybe he met you
and started talking to you
while he was still engaged.
maybe not. i don't know.

but you best keep an eye out
for the next one.
i could give you a list
to start with.

did he tell you that
i taught him all about
cameras?
the man didn't even know to buy a
DSLR and bought some dumb camera
without a removable lens.
After I explained why that was stupid,
he returned it and bought a new one.
he didn't know what aperture or shutter was
or how to use a camera.
did he mention i was a high school photography teacher
for 10 years?
did he mention i taught him how to use photoshop?

what about the hours proofreading
or straight up writing copy
giving opinions and tips and advice
on photographs?
designing business cards, price sheets,
etc.?

am i saying that i am responsible for his work?
no.
but did i contribute?
**** YES.
and you tell me,
do see that anywhere?

all while working and/or going to school full-time,
and taking care of him.
who do you think sacrificed when he decided
to start his own business?

and i will tell you that
approximately 2 months before
i left our home,
we were sitting at an Appleebees
discussing when to move,
how many years to wait,
what town to go to,
talking about maybe
having a baby.

this is not a stable human being.

becauses 2 months later,
i find out he's seeing someone else
and refuses to do a single thing
to help save our marriage
since i wasn't the weight he preferred.
that came right out of
his disgusting mouth.
i'm sorry, he is the direct quote,
"Loose weight or I'm done." - Andy

to which i replied,
"Well, then, I guess we are done."
and left our home with
$300 in my account.

he had told me that if
i ever got pregnant,
he would be repulsed
by my body.

he told me he wasn't as attracted to me
as he was to other woman.

we had some interesting years in therapy
and there are a few habits you may want to look into.
it's not pretty.
and it will not make you feel good.

if you have any credit card debt,
you better not let him be in charge
of the bills.
he paid his off while ignoring mine,
then left me ****** with
all the debt in my name that
he purposely wasn't paying.

i can tell you all about divorce.

he "bought me" a car
i was driving an hour each way to work
he told me his business was doing better
and i could pick what i wanted,
except if i got a new car,
he had to get one too.
my credit was bad,
it couldn't even go in my name.
he assured me we were good.
i was a teacher that had struggled for years
to get a tenure track position and still
didn't have one. my job was always getting cut.
i wasn't an idiot that was going to go around buying
new cars on a teacher salary.
this was him knowing all this and saying
that it was ok.

next thing i know
i'm getting divorced.
do you know what i got?
he paid for my car for one year.
that's what 10 years of marriage is worth.
he would pay for a car i never would
have gotten without him that he
took me to ******* get.
then, i have to pay $485/month for 4 years just for the car.
i had to move out of my home.
i got laid off from teaching.
and i was forced to pay this outrageous car payment.
because of that, i couldn't
save any money.
do you understand i got nothing?
no money in an account -
i literally asked with the lawyer for
$2,000 because i was so desperate
and Andy refused to give me a cent.
i have all my credit card debt that wasn't paid
because he was in charge of the bills
and didn't pay them.
the lawyers didn't care.
and i was at the lawyer with no money,
with literally no one even there to help me.

and since only 5 short years ago i found all this out,
and he was with your predecessor for i
don't even know how long,
i highly doubt he is a changed man.
in fact,
i know he's not
because i know this man
better than he knows himself.

i have a box of letters and cards.
a wedding album.
13 years of emails and photos
doctor appointments
sorrows and happiness

it did not end well.
and i can tell you
i gave him space.
i asked for nothing.
i went without.

and in my worst hour
he treated me like f i l t h.
the woman who took care of him
for thirteen ******* years,
through college,
moves,
grad school,
job changes.

he made me feel ugly.
stupid.
w o r t h l e s s.

but it didn't start right away,
and it's hard to feel it
coming on because he will
make you believe
the things he says
and the way he acts
is normal.

you will stupidly believe him.
you better get your ***
a prenup because this guy
will ******* d e s t r o y
you.

and in the last 5  years he's on
his third "marriage".
so maybe take a minute.

i have documents,
photos,
marriage certificate
wedding dress
i have it all.

oh, and he doesn't like to wear
wedding rings.
he will buy one.
or even two.
but he won't wear them.

he likes to show off.
he wants people to think he is
open minded and so passionate
and creative.
dear god, he might even talk about
"finding his creative self" or
"feeling more like himself"
now that he has met you.
and he is emotional.
he will cry.
and he seems very sincere.
but i'm telling you,
if even a drop of this sounds familiar,
the very least you need to do is ask some questions.

i wish that i had someone to warn me
before this man ruined my life.
and that is the only reason
i reach out to you.

if in 10 years you are in
my position,
then shame on you,
because i am warning you.

if you are blissful,
then i am thankful you were able
to find a way to avoid a mess like the one
he has put me in.

i know you think it can't happen to you,
or you are different.
i know because it is what i thought.