What do i look forward to in life? Well,

I yearn for the day when I look at a knife in the kitchen and don't see it cutting through my skin.
The day painkillers and sleeping pills are just necessary medication and not overdose material.
The day I look at the protruding veins visible from my translucent skin and don't see them gushing blood.
The day I stop thinking about throwing myself over the cliff during most car rides.
The day that someone can say suicide and I don't associate myself with the term.
The day that I'm not walking on eggshells to ensure my parents' satisfaction.
The day I don't lay in bed thinking about how life would be after me.
The day I'm not gasping for breath because I just can’t study.
The day I don't sleep with my heart fluttering and wake up with it fluttering still.
The day the trembling stops and the headaches go away.
The day I don't starve to punish myself or eat because I'm sad.
The day I'm free from my own mind.

I'm haunted everyday and every night.

Im besieged by guns that glare.
which one will it be today?
Which trigger will pull next?