Sleep paralysis.
That's the best way I can describe it.
You can't move.
And you want to call out,
But you're stunned.
Stunned because you never knew it could happen to you.
Not with him. None of them.
It doesn't make sense that someone could be so heartless,
How someone can hear you say "no, I don't want to," or "please stop," and see you move away, or try to fend them off and not care.
You can't move because they're bigger and stronger.
You can't scream because nobody would hear you
And you don't want to give them the satisfaction.
But inside your head, glass shatters from the sheer volume.
You struggle a bit more,
But when you realize it's pointless and your movements give him encouragment,
You lie still and wait.
You lie still and wish yourself far away.
And when he releases you, it takes you a moment to understand that it's over,
You're free.
In that moment, you've never felt so small, so fragile. So broken.
You pick yourself up, pick up your clothing and they always act like everything is fine.
Like they didn't just shatter your world.
They make you feel like you're crazy, wrong for the way that you feel.
You put yourself in that situation, you could have avoided it.
Even though you said "no."
That doesn't seem to matter.
Sleep paralysis while you're not sleeping is a different kind of hell I hope you never experience.