and making me want to die was something you were always good at. not in a bad way because for someone who has been suicidal since age 11, that means you made me feel something. feeling something has been a problem of mine for a while now i either feel it all or nothing and my therapist tells me that's "black and white thinking" and i tell her "no, it's realistic" and she laughs and tells me i must be colourblind but the world has so many different tones of grey and i tell her i know i just can't see them yet and she sends me home with a worksheet to fill out she says bring it back tomorrow for our next session but the worksheet asks me questions i don't have the answer to "what's your favourite shade of grey" almost arbitrary could be written off but i feel the breath catching in my throat because i don't think about grey anymore grey reminds me of the colour in your eyes a colour chart that ranges from silver lining to solitaire you've ran off again and i have to be honest i'm glad that when you left you left me colourblind because i can't see grey without thinking of you and i can't see your note so it's another night of feeling nothing feeling something feeling it all