this poem isn't about you
but everything always starts with you
I ******* hate that, too
I remember harmonizing on your balcony
you were amazed by me, I felt like a queen
the cold reminds me of being in your jacket, bundling
that old, ripping leather on your couch
the comfort of my lips on your mouth
but the cold reminds me of you leaving
and that I didn't even realize it at first
talk about embarrassing
I don't want to do this forever
I want to inspire people to do something bigger
I want to inspire myself to be better...
I want to to be able to live off my art
to be able to de-ice my heart
I need to get warm
I'm too afraid of the potential harm
now is where I start spiraling
seeing your names give me anxiety
wish I could get over everything
still not over the ***** that betrayed me
still not over the boy that abandoned me
still not over the monster that ***** me
still not over the leaches that changed me
still not over the bullies that attacked me
still mad it took me having to learn to forgive me
to forgive you all ******* first
as if I did something to deserve it
******* all for forgetting about it
******* all for not feeling sorry for it
I remember feeling the wind on my face when I was still innocent
I remember feeling the wind on my face when the innocence left
I remember the pillowcases I soaked wet with my tears
I remember the poetry in my mascara bleeding
I remember the poetry in everyone I've ever loved, leaving
I remember learning what it means to be loving
to be sweet, tender and caring
I remember what it means to be soft
I want to know what it's like to be soft
definitions create distractions
curling up inside the shell of myself is easier than turning around
I'm too far into the destructive phase to stop now
my wrecking ball is my bad habits
my inability to move past ****
I want to know what it's like to let go of something that hurts me
I want to know what it's like to light it all on fire without any burning
I guess I'm wondering
if I can hate you for what you've taken,
I can thank you for what you've given
thank you
for giving me
a pathway to forgiving me
relearning and reliving me
again and again
relinquishing and repenting
all that was confusing
and all that you once were
because of you, there was more to learn
because of you, I know what I deserve