Dec 2017
Today I live in fear
I woke up afraid of the same pillow that comforted me last night
It felt as if my dreams had been soaked up by it
My thoughts dripping out of my ear, one by one, dampening the cloth with which it's covered
My bed wanted me to stay, to lay away forever
Prevent me from going anywhere, pulling me towards it
I was a discarded piece of metal being pulled by the giant magnet that would take me to the dumpster to be crushed next to my scrap brethren
I am afraid of the wind blown from my fan
The cold on my skin burns as my sheets hold me tightly in place
I'm afraid to get out, to step on the floor, one foot at a time
To sit up and gag
To stand up and throw up all the regret, the unspoken words, the tears I so cowardly saved to myself for all these years
The 9 beers and 1 tequila shot
I'm afraid to text you
I'm afraid there will be no reply, the silence, the distance
What is said and what is not
What I know, what you won't fix
I'm afraid of losing this game
I'm afraid of playing my next hand, to look at the cards I've been dealt and find nothing other than hopelessness at the lack of anything good
I'm afraid to write this poem, to let my words gang up on me, and beat me up mercilessly as I can only type on and cry out your name
I'm afarid I won't be here tomorrow
I'm afraid you won't
I'm afraid to be here right now, as I was afraid yesterday
Afraid of the new year
Afraid of our Christmas dinner
Afraid of us, of everyone, of no one
I'm afraid of being alive, dancing in this graveyard of broken dream, of complaints and looking at the floor unable to gaze upon my very own dissapointments
I'm afraid to admit I am worthless, but also afraid to do anything about it
I'm afraid to be everything you were looking for, and missing the mark completely
I'm afraid that I'll hurt you, and that I commited a sin I don't regret
Like Jesus I hang nailed to my own cross by the acts I commited and ommited, while words spurt out of my wonds and into this text screen, as I terrifyingly try to tell myself, it will be ok
I'm afraid it will be ok
Today I live in fear
But I guess I live
I woke up afraid of the same pillow that comforted me last night
It felt as if my dreams had been soaked up by it
My thoughts dripping out of my ear, one by one, dampening the cloth with which it's covered
My bed wanted me to stay, to lay away forever
Prevent me from going anywhere, pulling me towards it
I was a discarded piece of metal being pulled by the giant magnet that would take me to the dumpster to be crushed next to my scrap brethren
I am afraid of the wind blown from my fan
The cold on my skin burns as my sheets hold me tightly in place
I'm afraid to get out, to step on the floor, one foot at a time
To sit up and gag
To stand up and throw up all the regret, the unspoken words, the tears I so cowardly saved to myself for all these years
The 9 beers and 1 tequila shot
I'm afraid to text you
I'm afraid there will be no reply, the silence, the distance
What is said and what is not
What I know, what you won't fix
I'm afraid of losing this game
I'm afraid of playing my next hand, to look at the cards I've been dealt and find nothing other than hopelessness at the lack of anything good
I'm afraid to write this poem, to let my words gang up on me, and beat me up mercilessly as I can only type on and cry out your name
I'm afarid I won't be here tomorrow
I'm afraid you won't
I'm afraid to be here right now, as I was afraid yesterday
Afraid of the new year
Afraid of our Christmas dinner
Afraid of us, of everyone, of no one
I'm afraid of being alive, dancing in this graveyard of broken dream, of complaints and looking at the floor unable to gaze upon my very own dissapointments
I'm afraid to admit I am worthless, but also afraid to do anything about it
I'm afraid to be everything you were looking for, and missing the mark completely
I'm afraid that I'll hurt you, and that I commited a sin I don't regret
Like Jesus I hang nailed to my own cross by the acts I commited and ommited, while words spurt out of my wonds and into this text screen, as I terrifyingly try to tell myself, it will be ok
I'm afraid it will be ok
Today I live in fear
But I guess I live
