Today, I admitted out loud: I wish I hadn't cared so much, Just so I wouldn't hurt like this. Because hurting like this is too much to bear. Loss after loss Heartbreak after heartbreak. Always forgetting my hands will never be quite big enough to catch that break I am always hoping is on the horizon. Well I've had it. This 'caring business' isn't lucrative enough. I am in the red And I'd be better off dead Than forcing my heart to keep pumping the pain So I tried it, today Just for an hour. I took my heart out of the equation And faced this new painless world Confidently, proudly Certain I was doing the right thing. But to be honest? I didn't even last a minute. Though my pride won't like to admit it The absence of pain, meant the absence of love, of wholeness. That wholeness I feel when I look in your eyes knowing I have someone on my side No matter how tough the going gets. So I guess All it took was one look into your eyes To remind me, Of the joy; AND the pain. That comes from caring, feeling, trusting, and never knowing. Never knowing if this heart investment will finally pay out Or If I'll be left as a beggar. Begging on the streets of broken hearts for just enough spare change to buy a smidge of faith, To feel again. But wait, I forget, YOU are the master of spare change. Searching the sofa of my soul, digging in those forgotten pockets of my heart Always coming up with enough nickel and dime reasons To take my pennies of love and go all in. Because YOU are my all. My reason for caring Even when it hurts Even when my courage is failing Because no matter the pain. The loss making me want to withdraw the measly balance of my heart And leave this establishment behind. I still love you. Making the caring the loving the doubting, And even the hurting, Worth every single cent I was brave enough to invest in you.