I think about my Dog
All the time
The omnipotent one;
Maker of Chihuahuas and Bernards;
Distiller of EVERY smell we LOVE to smell
HE who NEVER NEEDS to eat grass.

Oh, Boy, Good Boy,
Why, oh why, don’t we have thumbs?
We can’t open the ***…frigging doors
To answer the NEED of nature!
We can’t even open any food container
Or answer the phone when they are away.

Don’t get me wrong—
I like being on all fours, Dog, stability!
I like my nose knowing and showing!
I LOVE doing it *******:
On a manmonk leg, on the couch, with a bi—
(Sorry, the manmonks think I shouldn’t say that word)

Speaking of manmonks,
Could you help them understand us better?
Don’t they know they STINK?
They take me out to play, yeah!
Then, I bring the stick back not once, but twice, thrice…
That’s just not nice.

And why can’t I EAT all day?

That thing around my neck itches.
And the metal thingies are crazy jangly; but
Thank you, Dog for allowing me to scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch so well.
And lick where I like to lick.
And lick where I like to lick.
And lick where I like to lick.

Oh Dog, dear Dog,
Please hear my lamentations.
Grant me my thumbs!
Let me open the door!
Remove the collar!
And finally use the holy

Can Opener!