I was ashamed. Ashamed of the garden growing between my legs Ashamed that i had been so preoccupied with my depression that i hadn't had time to mow the lawn, for you, But you didn't know that. Neither of us knew it was going to happen that way In the greenroom of an educational institution Where we somehow learnt more than what The curriculum asked us to. I somehow learnt what you intended to teach me. and as i wrapped my pudgy fingers around your manhood, You disengaged the clasp of my bra. Asking how something of such sheer complexity could be Done by me Every morning every night. I was ashamed. Ashamed of how my ******* were brown Like days old bananas Unlike bright summer berries. Unlike the ******* of those girls you watched from the back of the class. I was ashamed of the cellulite on my thighs And i refused to let you see My big girl body with weeds in the garden. But you slipped your hand down my skirt And asked me if i liked it. I said yes, i leaned back into you, and i said Yes; Yes; Yes; over and over and over again But i felt empty. Like how you felt after your string of pearls Had been released.
When i dropped you off at the door, You did not hug me. When i tried to hold you hand You walked away You said you would, if you had time But you always have time for other girls. Or maybe its because i dont remind you much of a girl anymore. I am an empty bottle A candle exhausted of any wax A body with burns and bruises caused by a civil war raging in my brain Of paranoia because i know I can never be loved. Or maybe i'm a candle whose wax is love. I am dilapidated apartment in a suburban neighbourhood An object you threw away when it went past expiry date. One man's waste is every man's waste. I am used tissue paper. Don't touch me.
Your explanation was quiet It felt like a cold bath on a winter day. And i said okay. And i agreed that it would be okay if you left this Deteriorated, haunted dwelling For a home. I only wanted what was best for you. Don't Worry About Me. I said. I'll be okay I'll do stuff I’ll open an orphanage I’ll travel the world I’ll cook I’ll read I’ll write Maybe i’ll find my Pedro who will be the Juan for me. But my calm was a veil you could see through But did nothing about
But you see, my love, As i sowed the seeds of your own garden You told me I was a used toy. I didn't bring any excitement, or joy. And so that evening, after you refused to pick up my call no matter how many times i called, You stubbed a cigarette on my passion. You poured water over burning embers by saying you were ‘Not sure’ whether you loved me. You reminded me of how you ran your fingers through the weeds in my garden And i questioned Is is because you like other girls houses? With nicer gardens? With an electric heater instead of a bonfire that lights up like a gehenna. That night, you told me we should rethink You stopped saying i love you and when you left, You did not hug me at the door. I trimmed my garden And polished the furniture And sent you pictures of our newly decorated mansion But this home, was now empty. You left it haunted by the idea that no one could love a displaced storm. It's still empty. It's a mansion that has an overgrown garden again The weeds are spilling out And i can't bother to trim them anymore.