i


i remember j.
beat me about the head
with crime and punishment..
lovely smile and strong legs..

y?
o..i was stuck to the ground
an abandoned tent
my brain rusty pegs..

get up..
it was the edition with
john hurt on the cover..
national treasure..

why must you get so
****** up..
i liked it..
i liked her..

i liked dostoyevski..!

ii

when i stopped drinking
the hardest thing was the boredom
if the mental addiction
the numb brain
feeling insane

was not suffice..

i started painting
i know..i could nt face aa
i watched trains
and sat by the canals
chanting and praying..

and considered snippets..

iii

but the painting brought
me out of stupor..
i loved my wood burner..
a little bit..
when i felt buried

i played my guitar..
i met claudia
her eyes were like
so shot with gold..
we smoked..

we ******..
near on killed me
in that old van..
alone..
i drank..


iv

the winters lasted too
long
they skated up
and down
i visited f
with all her
animals..

on the t
in her barge
of green and gold..
she was always kind..
my god it was cold..
but her warm heart..
we drank tea..

v

so i managed to stop
for a whole year..

and then started up again..
why,i can´t say..

but stopped entirely
on feb. 12
1994..

i recall the day exactly
i would find myself
but still looking for..