i've taken apart and put back together
the people who left me in life.
i keep their mistakes in a cage of my mind,
reminding myself to be weary of it.
i keep their positive thoughts in the spot of my heart
that regardless of how awful they were, they'll stay.
and i pray one day they notice they've always been with me;
that i will always listen.

i've written suicide notes on my birthdays.
i've calculated my best options and i've stressed myself out for it.
because i do not want to **** myself;
sometimes, i feel like i need to.
i've burnt the skin off of my body with a bar of soap,
and i've cut myself with plastic combs
do not tell me self harm is done with a razor or a cigarette,
because i've done far worse than that.
i don't tell anyone unless they ask.
and even then i keep the worst parts to myself.

i have done things i regret.
there isn't much to say about it without sounding selfish,
the things i've done were my fault,
they were never anybody else's.
i regret the things i did in the past,
though i wonder if i'm still worthy of friendship.
relationships never last.
we're hurting people, and calling it love, don't tell me the person you're with is your soulmate because someone better may come along
and take them away.
that's what i think to myself when i feel like i want someone.

i don't believe in love.
i grew up on not thinking anyone would ever love me.
when i was thirteen,
i was begging for the affection i wish i'd kept savory
from the man who held my hand, and taught me how to ride my bike.
they say your father is your soulmate,
but, i don't think he loves me.
my friends all had boyfriends in the fifth grade,
and i was admiring everyone else, wondering if there was a single person out there who thought of me the same way i thought of cold pasta at nine o'clock at night.
golden.

i've been told some things about me are not right.
and i believe it.
i've been told i was not worthy of life.


and i believe it.