i can't help but think of exploring your pasture with you. filled with creeks that overran with water, and trees that made everything feel strong. the scraps of trash that made perfect chairs for us to sit and talk about everything that ****** in the world, and everything that we were afraid of. then nothing much mattered.
and i think of your dad, and the tiredness in his voice when he saw me, and tried to get out his best "hello," just for me. i think of the strength he carried within him, the strength he carried to hide the things that hurt him, mostly his own body betraying him, and making each step harder than the one before.  
i can't help but think of the day your parents brought back pan dolce after your dad's doctor appointment. something sweet to **** the sadness. i told you not to let me eat alone, so there we were, like kids in a candy store stuffing our faces. and as you left to the bathroom, i sat alone in your kitchen and searched for something to wipe the crumbs from my mouth, your house being so foreign to me, he saw me. he understood my shyness and laughed. something so simple as a napkin and i felt understood. i saw him. i saw you.
and i think of your eyes, the day you told me how you were scared that soon you'd need to be strong for everyone. i think of the fear in your voice that followed after you confessed to me, "the pills aren't working anymore."
i can't help but think of laying on your couch. your dad across from me watching a show he didn't care much about, but stayed because your mother was next to him. and i think of how much i saw him love her, how much she loved him more, in the short time i got to love you.
and i think of May when you were afraid i'd never come back, when you asked me, "why'd it take you so long?" and something in me understands now that you were right to be afraid, because as your friend i failed to come home when you needed me most.
so today, i couldn't help and hurt, to cry when i saw you from a distance. black from head to toe. and since May, i fianlly saw you. but now i couldn't see him. but i'm trying not to be sad, because how selfish of me to be upset that no longer does each step hurt, and the pills no longer matter.
how lucky i am, to know you.
how lucky i was, to know him.