I begin to heave, to choke

Surprised? why? own fault!

Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!



No one knows the true extent of my pain

Or how this self harm feeds my own shame

And, how I only have myself to blame



Sometimes, I even forget to chew

Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging

In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew

Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew





Its a welcome release, a relief

I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief

But just seconds later, those old hatreds return

Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!





New ways to release negatives are what I need

To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead

"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"

"just for a little while, so I can feel well"





When I can not throw up

I know what I must do

Buy Laxatives, how many? - alot

And then Find a quiet loo



If they should fail to work

I always have amphetamine to give me a perk

'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke

And in my ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke





I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy

I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy

For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat

Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****





So until I find a cure

whilst my emotions remain raw

I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore

Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more





If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN

YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN

He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed

He would never have played, the cruel games that he played





He would still be here, holding me tight

Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight

Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night

Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight





But I pushed him away, with my self abuse

Ha! or at least that was his excuse

He wasn't strong enough to see it through

He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do





So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile

for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while

One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal

I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole




Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate

I must seek HELP now, before its too late

I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape