that **** of a neighbour i mentioned
once?
     he's selling his house
   and moving to, somewhere like
chelmsford, in the heartland of essex.
i win,
the breaking point must have come
when i was teaching my other neighbour
(joseph) pyrotechnics...
- i'm pouring this white spirit
   onto the mattress, but the **** still
   won't light up!
- joe... you need something lighter,
   get some toilet paper,
      soak the toilet paper in the white spirit
and put it under the mattress...
- oh, cool, great idea...
   phooooooooooooooom!
   i was running like a hare from the fire
donning slippers...
      i then excused myself,
even though i was offered beer:
- i feel a bout of diarrhoea coming,
   sorry.
and sure enough... niagara falls....
half an hour later, he was throwing
a television into the bonfire...
      and of course, the smoke was choking,
and the fire-brigade came and extinguished
the fire.
    fun times.