I loved this boy
with long hair the
color of chestnuts
or, black coffee
my eyes are bad
so, I can’t really be sure
I loved this boy
I still do
maybe just a little bit
but, enough that it hurts
And, sometimes, I can’t sleep
because of all the horrible
things that I have said to him
how many times we made
each other cry
I wrote the boys
name in the snow
before stomping on it
because, in all honesty
that was an easier thing to do
than profess my love to him
Now, this was not in love
nor was this puppy love
it was more than a friendship
more than a sibling
This boy, he stole my heart
and ground it in to
a fine, red powder
under his worn out sneakers
If someone were to
look closely,
not that anyone would want to see
me shirtless, there is a little invisible scar
where his name used to be
resting over my heart
This boy, I remember that,
one time, he let me run my fingers
through his hair,
and I almost cried because his
eye lashes were so soft where they fluttered against my fingers
This boy, now a young man
I sometimes watched him
instead of eating my lunch
I often noted the way that his
spine and every little marble that made it up
along with the flesh and bone
could be seen through his shirt
I longed to run my fingers
up and down that thin line
and tell him how beautiful I thought he was
how much I loved him
I want to demand he take back
all the horrible things
that we said to each other
and force me to say sorry
Because, my god, do I miss him
and the horrible nick names I gave him
since, sometimes, saying his name
was too painful
The horrible cards and pictures I made him
out of the few that I found in the trash
he told me that he kept even more
I blushed like an idiot
Since, when I knew this boy
it was before I had taught myself
not to cry in front of people
because, to show any emotion
is a clear sign of weakness
Which is what I am
I am weak
as are my knees
with love for this boy
Who can’t even say my name
let alone look at me
with disgust in his beautiful eyes
though I can’t remember the color
and a curl in his mouth
that was usually only reserved for himself
I had this giant crush on this guy who was in 5th grade when I was in 4th. He turned out to be a giant bag of *****, and I doubt he even remembers be now.