My heart was tethered to the idea
Of following my brother's footsteps
Learning about his life
By experiencing what he did

The Lord made it painfully clear
I was to go to Brazil
I wanted to go to Brazil
I wanted to serve

My brother had a heart for the lost
He had a heart for the broken
He wanted to do everything he could
To care for others

He was the most selfless person I knew
And I am the most selfish
Fearful of myself
Fearful of extending

So..why am I not in Brazil right now?

Because my father said not yet
Because my heart said not yet
Because my circumstances said not yet
Because God said not yet

And every single solitary day that goes by
It's made more and more evident
So outrageously and abundantly clear
Why not yet

Throughout my life
I've been able to get over people
To get over things
But I can't get over myself

Who am I
To be in the way of the Lord's plan
But who am I
That he would use me

The darkness has made its home
In all of the innermost crevasses of my heart
And I know so resolutely
That I cannot serve like this

I've made the changes before
But it feels so different this time
Like there's superglue
Keeping these ***** clothes on me

I think I've conditioned myself
To believe that I will never change again
And I can't tell you how terrifying it is
To be the cage and the prisoner