I stare at this paper for an eternity and it swalllws me up and in all of my entirety. I am done for.
Gone.
I cannot do this. I've stared at this paper for 45 minutes and when the teacher asks how I've done
I will say, "I haven't done any of it."

And it takes me back to when I failed. To when I was left behind.

It takes me back to last year when I wasn't smart enough for chemistry.
I cry

I try

I fail over and over and in calculus I am a joke.

I can go to sectionals in track and my smile just can't reach my eyes

There is no glint and I can't bring up a facade
My friend
She asks, "why aren't you happy to be going to sectionals?
That means you're good autumn!"

And for the millionth time I cannot accept or say I am good at anything.

I am waitlisted to my dream school and I cannot accept that I still have a chance.
I win a national scholarship and I am still beaten down.
I win a community all star award and I win best lawyer and
I win another scholarship
And I'm accepted to a goodnight private school and the honors program
And I exceed the expectations of my family
And I am applauded by hundreds
And I am in the paper
And my photography is in an art gallery
And I am still
Not
Good enough.

I run and run and run and I throw and I try
And I still
am
not
good
enough.

I lose the weight and I'm still stuck looking at my meat jiggling

I am still stuck looking in this mirror that will never show someone good enough for anything in life at all.