I remember that it hurt
Looking at him hurt-
His grin
His smile twisting up and curling
At the corners  
As his hands traced my body;
Me begging
Pleading,
Pleading
For him to stop
To stop touching me
To have some kindness left in him
To possibly stop himself from
Committing the crime he already had-
I remember feeling all of his
Weight pressed onto me
Suffocating me
That was only the first time
I remember that it hurt
Looking at her hurt-
Her face in the moonlight on the top bed
in our little cabin of eleven
I remember it hurt the night
She said she was in love with me-
Then punching me in the stomach and
Walking away,
Lillian
The girl I was irrevocably in love with,
Walking away because she said that
΅She has a new girl in Indiana΅
That was the last time I ever saw Lillian.
I remember that it hurt,
Looking at them hurt
The red lines
Lacing up my arms
Looking like a red ribbon on a christmas
Present
Look at my arms
Look at my face my
Tear stained face
Even though I felt
Nothing
Arms
Face
Arms
Lacing up my arms
Face
Ribbons on my arms
Face
Arms
Cuts
    And then it stopped hurting
It stopped hurting when I met him
The boy who makes my head spin
The boy who makes me think
I’m important to someone
Again
The boy who puts me first after
Everyone else puts me in
Their past-
It stopped hurting when he
Said it’s going to be okay
Now
It stopped hurting when he
Told me that those people
Could only hurt me if
I let them hurt me
It stopped hurting when he said
That soon I will be
A part of his family
Because he knows that
I feel like an alien in my own
It stopped hurting
when he came into my life
After everyone else had gone out;
After the boy who took away my innocence
Stopped noticing my existence-
After Lillian, the girl who
Ripped my heart out went back to
Chicago and was with
“Her new girl”-
After the last razor blade
Had been disposed of
And the pills had gone
Back into their bottles
After the last person to
Say that they were my friend
Or that they didn’t hate me-
and yet started rumors and
Harassed me in the hallways…
After I had been clean and had been out of the hospital and IOP
For more months than
I can remember
After the hell I had been through-
He made it better
And easier
And he makes life more
enjoyable -

So thank you to all of those who have made my life a living hell,
Thank you for breaking me down into dust
So I could be brought back up
Thank you for making me dark and twisty,
Thank you for putting a cloud of darkness around me,
So I could finally find my beam of sunshine that
He
Reflects into my life,
Thank you for making me the person I am today,
Thank you for showing me I’m not everything you told me.
Thank you for proving to me that I am a much stronger
And better person
Than you will ever be.

r.h. (April 5, 2017)