Mar 2017
All of my poems are just the same set of words rearranged just enough for them to be considered a new thought. They're not clever social commentary or a chilling piece about mental illness or anything like that. Instead, it's just a lonely kid feeling like a little fish in a big big pond who thinks he has a voice someone wants to listen to. If you're a stranger to my poems, let me sum everything up for you.
I'm sad part 1
Suicidal anxiety
I hate myself
I'm lonely
I'm sad part 2
I hate myself
That's pretty much all of them. I realize that for a voice to be significant it has to be sincere. My poetry isn't even good to me, they just help me on those dark nights when the only light in my room is my phone screen and it's the only thing I've interacted with for hours. I find my own logic so perplexing. I'm naturally extroverted and most of, if not all, of my happiness comes from other people. Meeting people, making people laugh. But recently I've been so worn down I barely want to get out bed. I haven't slept in weeks and now the nightmares have gotten so bad I'm lucky if I get an hour or two. So now I mainly just sit in my room with a fractured mind and a tired heart and I convince myself that people would be affected if I was to disappear one day, and to be honest, I'm not sure I believe that. I believe everyone is unhappy to some capacity and I'm just a dumb kid out to save the world and went I realize how big the world is, I crumble up on the bathroom floor, clutching my confused ideologies and personal morals. I'm not broken in a way that I don't work, I'm broken in a way that I don't work right. I feel like I always hit left a center and on day I'll just stop aiming to hit anything. At this point in my life, I've burned so many bridges it leaves me to wonder what's left. People whom I've considered my friends for awhile, I've left with no second thought. Conflicts of ideals are the hardest to resolve because no one person can be proven right or wrong. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating. It just feels like everyone around me moved and found the happiness and the purpose I was looking for. They all stayed and got older while I went somewhere and stayed the same. I have a few people that I would **** for. I pour all of my heart into them because they are my lifeline to happiness. My best friend of twelve years, my cousin, me two friends from 6th grade and my soon to be girlfriend. Whenever I'm writing another stupid poem I can here them say "hey, it's okay. It's not that bad" and somehow I feel better. Sometimes I still think about suicide and I defiantly struggle with my mental stability. But I honestly think it's getting better. The bright times last longer and feel better, but thank dark times are the darkest they've ever been. I know if I can just hold my breath long enough I'll wake up when it's sunny again. Things take time, and I'm impatient. Time scares me because you never know what can happen between present and future. People leave, things change, plans change, you change. I'm learning patience and I know one day I'll look back and wonder why I was ever afraid. But for now, I'm just a scared little fish trying to swim in a strong current inside a big pond.
I'm sad part 1
Suicidal anxiety
I hate myself
I'm lonely
I'm sad part 2
I hate myself
That's pretty much all of them. I realize that for a voice to be significant it has to be sincere. My poetry isn't even good to me, they just help me on those dark nights when the only light in my room is my phone screen and it's the only thing I've interacted with for hours. I find my own logic so perplexing. I'm naturally extroverted and most of, if not all, of my happiness comes from other people. Meeting people, making people laugh. But recently I've been so worn down I barely want to get out bed. I haven't slept in weeks and now the nightmares have gotten so bad I'm lucky if I get an hour or two. So now I mainly just sit in my room with a fractured mind and a tired heart and I convince myself that people would be affected if I was to disappear one day, and to be honest, I'm not sure I believe that. I believe everyone is unhappy to some capacity and I'm just a dumb kid out to save the world and went I realize how big the world is, I crumble up on the bathroom floor, clutching my confused ideologies and personal morals. I'm not broken in a way that I don't work, I'm broken in a way that I don't work right. I feel like I always hit left a center and on day I'll just stop aiming to hit anything. At this point in my life, I've burned so many bridges it leaves me to wonder what's left. People whom I've considered my friends for awhile, I've left with no second thought. Conflicts of ideals are the hardest to resolve because no one person can be proven right or wrong. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating. It just feels like everyone around me moved and found the happiness and the purpose I was looking for. They all stayed and got older while I went somewhere and stayed the same. I have a few people that I would **** for. I pour all of my heart into them because they are my lifeline to happiness. My best friend of twelve years, my cousin, me two friends from 6th grade and my soon to be girlfriend. Whenever I'm writing another stupid poem I can here them say "hey, it's okay. It's not that bad" and somehow I feel better. Sometimes I still think about suicide and I defiantly struggle with my mental stability. But I honestly think it's getting better. The bright times last longer and feel better, but thank dark times are the darkest they've ever been. I know if I can just hold my breath long enough I'll wake up when it's sunny again. Things take time, and I'm impatient. Time scares me because you never know what can happen between present and future. People leave, things change, plans change, you change. I'm learning patience and I know one day I'll look back and wonder why I was ever afraid. But for now, I'm just a scared little fish trying to swim in a strong current inside a big pond.
