I've tried to drown my thoughts in music. At first it was sweet. The sound of piano music an violin strings swelling within my ears with decresendos that make the ends of the cliff I tip toe feel less steep. More of a skip then a plummeting drop into defeat that instead of breaking my bones simply leaves me with a little less of... me. I liked to flirt with the notion that the music that held me in it's gentle embrace was mine. That it was crafted to keep me tethered to a state of contentment that allows me to exist in optimistic peace.
I use my earbuds as life lines; clinging to the notes as if they were my only hope of surviving the day. But in moments where the hallways fill- fill with the suddenness that only the halls of a high school can; fills to the point where you come to a compete stop just waiting for the ******* in the middle to go chit chat somewhere else;  in moments where the silence is deafening. In moments where I can feel my body sinking. In these moments... my life line breaks. And despite my musical escape I find myself drowning again in something a little less sweet than the legato of piano and violin strings. The stabbing sensation of staccato  silence depends upon my surroundings.
I am left floating in my thoughts trying to keep my head above the waves. Avoiding fabricated conversations my mind has made between them... and myself. I change the station, alter vibrations, turn up the volume until the bass makes my ears bleed and the pounding in my head is that which the music is leaving and not the waves crashing.
As if it is a gift to be deaf to the world around... and within me.
I should be sleeping.
It's three Am on a Sunday night and I've homework at my side that I have been neglecting. I don't  know why I've been avoiding the homework... of storytelling. It seems that every time I go to write the words start changing. As if I'm not actually writing as much as I am a vessel for the thoughts I've been equally neglecting to come out and play with my keyboard. To destroy it as if it were my mind where it runs rampant all the time until I decide to smother it with music. And I know... that that is not the point of music. That lyrics aren't prison guards and no matter how much I try to cover the thoughts on my mind they are ever present... all the time. Just waiting to surprise me with their chants of "Do better!" and "Stop stalling! Can't you see? I'm not going anywhere anytime soon so you may as well embrace me!"
Well... my ears feel numb from their daily beating. I cannot abide another moment of singing despite how beautiful the lyrics may flow I need a moment of rest and if listening to you will give me that rest then do it. I'm ready. Let me hear it. Tell me all the things you've been dying to say. Tell me I'm nothing and make me believe it. Tell me I'm failing, don't whisper your lies you have to scream it this time- I can't hear your whispering anymore that was the POINT of the MUSIC! Scream at me until your voice is raw and you bleed because then maybe... just maybe... when your done? I'll sleep without dreaming.