please don't hate me
if we don't get to live these dreams

i have found that dreams never quite work out
not even in sleep

please forgive me if i give up
even after all this time
all these pills
all this therapy
after hours spent in behavioral unit B

please don't hate me
i'm just tired
this world is exhausting and unfair
no perfect god created us
there is no guaranteed light waiting at the mouth of any of these dark tunnels
we just go along
everything just happens
and i am not "meant to be" anything
not even alive
not even breathing

try to understand
i live for very few things
my future, my dogs, the need to be loved before i'm gone
but my future looks rickety
the wood is splintering and the nails are mostly rust at this point
i wasted too much time on things i can't control
and threw away all my potential
and my dogs are getting old
and i only leave muddy footprints on the world
stuck with in betweens and goodbyes
she wrote a poem that called me cancer
i listened

please believe me
i hate my lies, i do
i wish i could control it
i wish i didn't keep color coded strings tied to my fingers, coordinating who i am to different people and what has spilled out of my mouth, burning my tongue, deceptive acid
i hate my lies and dreams and body and breathe and spirit
hell, i hate my passion, it leaves me covered in scars and red streaks
i don't know how to keep energy from turning into anger from turning into marred flesh
i have no self control
but that's a lie, i do, i've stopped myself before,
it's just sometimes i think if i carve words into my skin these things can never leave me please god don't leave me

my chest hurts
all that's left is
i can't touch that, can't listen to that, can't look at that
can't really explain why except for that i can't
can't tell the truth to save my ******* truth
can't remember what i said two minutes ago
can't keep it together keep it together keep it TOGETHER
and i have all these dreams but that's all they can be so why do i fight so hard?
ruining my own life just because it's in my hands
i ruin anything i'm entrusted to take care of
my hands shake too much and i can't quite hold on
and now i'm making excuses like this is out of my control
is it out of my control? is it under my control?
i can't answer these questions i don't know what i'm making up anymore
it all just runs together looming dark and dangerous over my skin
sometimes it sets into my bones and i call it electricity

can you try to understand why i don't want to live like this
and i don't know how to change
i don't even want to get better because i don't know who i am outside this cage
i constructed every piece from scratch and i think it's the only thing i ever made
did i get this from my father?
sometimes i think we're more alike than i'd like to believe
we just hide different kinds of scars under our sleeves

but please don't hate me
if i finally finally leave