Sep 2016
Its like how you have that flag from your old country hanging there. It fills you with pride to know where you come from. Who your ancestors are and what kind of people they were. I don't have that. When I look into my past, all I see is pain. When I look past that, There is nothing but empty space. An endless void that seems to expand with my every step.
When I was still a boy, this filled me with rage. I tried to fight it. Telling myself that it didn't matter and that forward is the only direction that counts. It was a dream that I sold myself for most of my youth. When that dream was no longer convincing, I tried to fill the void. Fill it with any and every negative thing I could find. Things like greasy food, heavy drinking, witless brawling, raw *******, and of course hard drugs, In the end these were only distractions.
After facing the fatal consequences of my constant recklessness, I thought I would I explore the void. Figured if I traveled far enough, I would inevitably stumble upon a scrap of useful information and one good thing would lead to greener pastures. I trudged deeper into that void for longer than I care to remember. Got lost in its haze to the point I couldn't tell which way was up. I wanted to give in. Fall back into old habits and forget about my foolish endeavor. Erase all the wasted blood, sweat, tears and time. I wanted to be comfortable again. Who would blame me for that?
In the end my hunger for knowledge of self proved stronger than I could ever have imagined. Instead of running; Each day I chose to remind my self of the many hell's I have survived. I thought of all the test's I was sure to face in the future. This became my driving force.
I kept digging until finally I struck the truth I was looking for. For so long I thought I was being punished. That if there was a god, he surely hated me. Focusing only on the struggle, I never noticed how strong It made me. Until the day came I had to use it to protect someone I love.
That was the moment everything changed. When I stopped living for myself. I realized that men like me aren't meant to find peace. I was born to fight and suffer so that my brothers can breath easy. I know that I can take that pain because I have done it my entire life. For my will is strong.
When I was still a boy, this filled me with rage. I tried to fight it. Telling myself that it didn't matter and that forward is the only direction that counts. It was a dream that I sold myself for most of my youth. When that dream was no longer convincing, I tried to fill the void. Fill it with any and every negative thing I could find. Things like greasy food, heavy drinking, witless brawling, raw *******, and of course hard drugs, In the end these were only distractions.
After facing the fatal consequences of my constant recklessness, I thought I would I explore the void. Figured if I traveled far enough, I would inevitably stumble upon a scrap of useful information and one good thing would lead to greener pastures. I trudged deeper into that void for longer than I care to remember. Got lost in its haze to the point I couldn't tell which way was up. I wanted to give in. Fall back into old habits and forget about my foolish endeavor. Erase all the wasted blood, sweat, tears and time. I wanted to be comfortable again. Who would blame me for that?
In the end my hunger for knowledge of self proved stronger than I could ever have imagined. Instead of running; Each day I chose to remind my self of the many hell's I have survived. I thought of all the test's I was sure to face in the future. This became my driving force.
I kept digging until finally I struck the truth I was looking for. For so long I thought I was being punished. That if there was a god, he surely hated me. Focusing only on the struggle, I never noticed how strong It made me. Until the day came I had to use it to protect someone I love.
That was the moment everything changed. When I stopped living for myself. I realized that men like me aren't meant to find peace. I was born to fight and suffer so that my brothers can breath easy. I know that I can take that pain because I have done it my entire life. For my will is strong.
