I like to be sad, I admit.
Late at night
When I think the only person
Alive is only me.
I like how it stabs my heart
Mercilessly
Excruciatingly
At the same time,
It makes me so ******* alive.
I can feel my whole body thrum &
I can feel how tight it is to breathe
And I still feel safe
Because I hold the key.

I don't like this kind of sadness
The kind that is out of your control --
Beyond what you can control
Hurting unpredictable parts
And burning spots I don't want to be burned.
It makes me helpless.
Just lying until the fire of anguish
Swallows me whole.
Until I am empty.
Until I am numb.