i have already embraced
that sadness lives somewhere
in my heart that often crashes in
to say hello or it'll fade away in broken
beats of "I'll be back soon."
and i've already touched
my dried up skin as it cracked due to apathy,  dehydrated from life and energy,
but i've yet to dare look
at my ghost, the one with
the happy sunshine times
and perfect family and wasted wishes
without fear of miracles dying,
the one who didn't know what it's like
to be one step away from breaking down
and who isn't practicing how to breathe
while standing on the shore,
the one who still stared at stars
instead of looking down at her shoes,
the one who has her head in the clouds
and her thoughts won't write suicide notes

i always say i don't want
to go back to the nightmare-filled past
but i secretly still hope
everything right now is just a dream