The woman kept on nagging me
my friend that is no fib
I can't believe they made her
from my godforsaken rib
I wish she had a sister
or a sympathetic friend
Cuz if I hear another word
it might just be the end

I guess that God almighty
must have heard my faithful plea
She's found a talking serpent
in the garden by a tree
They sit and chat for hours
about what I do not care
As long as I am over here
and she is over there

I think it was a Sunday
when my troubles all began
She showed up with a present
from her slimy serpent friend
A single, perfect apple
that was beautiful and red
I should have been suspicious
but I took a bite instead

All at once I noticed
she was naked thru and thru
And a cold wind made me realize
that I was naked too
I looked around for something
that would cover up my shaft
She handed me a fig leaf
and gave a mocking laugh

I said 'you find this funny
but you need to realize
Something here is different
and some evil’s on the rise'
She pointed at my genitals
which left me void of pride
'The only thing that's rising
is that thing you're trying to hide'

I spun myself away from her
a perfect pirouette
I didn’t know for certain
just how big this thing would get
She laughed at my confusion
and snickered at my shame
‘You’re the only man I’ve ever known
but I bet you’re all the same’

I said ‘we need to focus
on the matter now at hand
Maybe that old rattlesnake
can tell us where we stand’
And as I spoke these words to her
The serpent slid away
He said ‘I’d love to stick around
but really, I can’t stay’

As soon as he had disappeared
the ground began to quake
Old Yahweh came before us
and he said ‘for goodness sake!
Did you guys eat the apples
from that sacred apple tree?’
I said ‘it was this woman here
who gave the fruit to me’

The woman said ‘that rattlesnake
has played an evil trick
He took me to the apple tree
and bade me take my pick
He said I would be as a God
the smartest on the block
But all that really happened
was I laughed at Adam's ****'

Things were going very bad
I came to realize
It's bad enough we ******* God
but why insult my size?
Then Yahweh said 'I've heard enough
and cannot let this pass'
He tossed me from the garden
and I landed on my ***

A half a second later
Eve was flying overhead
She cleared my mark by 15 feet
and landed on her head
Two angels at the garden gate
advised us not to linger
Despite their wings and flaming swords
Eve gave them the finger

I looked into her smiling eyes
and found I didn’t care
She looked extremely lovely
with her finger in the air
All at once I understood
where I was meant to be
I could deal with any hell on earth
if she was there with me

Well now it’s been a thousand years
and I kneel at her grave
The only thing I ever loved
alas I could not save
I cast my eyes into the sky
and think about the price
Yes Eden was a garden...

But she was paradise