Swans drone and thrash filling every square inch of air in this room of solitary confinement
I've got feelings, need to get 'em out
To fall upon the deafness of every ear in this house, disbelieving
The cacophony soothes me somehow
But I fall asleep listening for phantoms trapped in white noise
Sometimes it's the only way
As the stress of the day won't let up and it stretches all the way into the lonely hours of night that are more accurately referred to as the early morning
That transition is usually lost with sleep and dreams
Unless sleep and dreams are playing hide and seek
The noise of Swans comes as close to anything in giving a sound to the stiffness of my mind and the heavy weight in my heart
The mean streak, can it be forgiven or forgotten?
I have something to blame
But integrity keeps me from pointing fingers
My greatest wish is to either be
Smart enough to grasp the worlds philosophies
Or so dumb they don't mean a freakin' thing to me
I'm tired of existing in the halfway point between the poles
Tired of courting hatefulness
Knowing it's not me
Hosting a wretched spirit with dark thoughts and self loathing
Knowing knowing knowing knowing knowing
My Father Who art in Heaven
Hold my cowardice not against me
Let there be justice in this one thing I ask
As I lay me down to sleep
Let not the morning sunrise stir my soul
Lost in deep unconsciousness I offer one final breath
Take it, Lord, and give me not another inhalation
Set my spirit free while my lanky body hardens 'neath the quilt my grandma made for me
Show me the mystery of all that lies ahead
And let not those I left behind cry that I am dead
May their mourning bring them peace and when it ends much joy
I'm not suggesting you made a mistake
But I just don't belong here
So when I close my eyes tonight
I will squint, hold the lids down hard and tight
And finally pray You'll make it all right
Please let my spirit drift listlessly into the night
In the name of your precious Son
                                                                  Amen