i am not used to this kind of
thinly veiled hurt
and it falls over my memories
in and out of my mind
like a virus
i have no antidote to

the things i couldnt will myself
to want
are the things i can't stop thinking
about
the places i couldnt dream of going
have my name taped to the mailbox

i will never be used to
soft
gentle
you
i am conditioned to hurt
i am conditioned to chaos
like second nature
like falling asleep

but if gentle
is how you say my name
i will hold my breath
and clench my fists
and add weight to these words

and if soft
is how badly i wish
i was where you are
i will call myself a romantic
i will make promises for you
i will fall asleep

because i have been conditioned
to remove the threat
of collateral damage

but i will implode
i will collapse
i will end my world
and worlds before this one
if it is soft
if it is gentle
if it is you