And i have always been a happy person. You look up synonyms for the word "happy" and you get results like, carefree, and lighthearted, but that is definitely not me. I'm happy, but my heart stays heavy and my head filled with cares. I stay up for so long that when i come down, i come down hard. I come down with weights tied to my feet and the feeling of falling has always terrified me. I come down with these thoughts that i can't seem to shake and they play over and over in my head like a broken record. I become a person that i don't like, one that i dont recognize.  It makes me wonder if that's who i really am, underneath it all. That's what terrifies me the most, and that is why i get back up again.