I spend this sun-day
hiding from the sun
under a comforter
the color of today’s sky
and zebra stripes.
I do not participate.
This morning,
I participated,
as my parents scurried about the grocery store
without me.
I called my father’s mother
and I called my mother’s mother.
I called my soul mate
and remembered
last night, prom night, perfect night.
Then I wasn’t at home alone anymore
and I didn’t want to participate anymore
and I let myself sink into the emptiness.
I deny any and all emotions and accusitions of life.
I am not of this world, in this world,
known to the world or by the world,
I am dust hiding under the bed.
I read a book that is nothing but truth and pain
and listen to music that is pure dark emotion.
I twist my mind into wicked shapes,
and embrace the emptiness that is slowly taking over my soul.
I don’t want to feel,
I don’t want to heal,
I don’t want to be me or anything.
All I think is no longer real.
I can embrace this sickness,
this dark disease of the mind.
I am sick, what is my cure?
I don’t know or care or want it.
Let me bleed, and let me sleep,
but don’t let me die,
even in this state of mind
I would rather just cry.
This is a place where love does not exist,
so I’m sorry, soul mate,
but right now you are gone.
This is a place where voices do not penetrate,
so I’m sorry, Mom and Dad,
but right now I cannot hear you.
This is a place where I keep my phone on silent,
So I’m sorry, cousin dear,
I cannot read your admiration.
This is a place made of nothing.
This is a place where my tears are my water
and my blood is my wine,
I never believed in religion
and I swear I never will.
I am my own savior
and I am failing at my job.
This is a place where I cannot be saved
except by my self, by myself, by mys elf.
This is a place to drown in a hot water bathtub,
blood dripping down my wrists,
but don’t let me die,
I don’t want to die,
I just want to sleep.
I just want to bleed a little bit,
I don’t want to watch my life run down my fingers
and slide down the drain,
irretrievable.
This is a place where
everyone who loves me should stay away
because they will get hurt
and I don’t want to hurt them
because I love them too,
but in this place
I love no one
and no one loves me,
so leave me all alone.
This is a place that I don’t tell my love about,
I don’t tell my sister about,
I don’t tell Mom and don’t tell Dad,
don’t tell the grandma with the cats
or the grandma at the lake,
don’t even tell the great grandma who is an older version of me.
This is a place
that makes doctors frown
and boyfriends cry,
that makes my sister slap me upside the head
and tell me to stop listening to depressing music.
This is a place where
I cut so I can feel something,
a place where I just want to see
the sparkling crimson against the paper-pale of my skin.
This is the place where I trace my veins
with my eyes
and have unwelcome visions of opening them.
This is the place where
I see my fears lined up
like a suicide’s pill bottles on the bathroom counter,
ready to jump down my throat
and stop my heart.
This is the place where I feel nothing,
I am a blank sheet of looseleaf
about to be torn into shreds
and scattered along the wet grass
for the birds to use in their nests
and the spiders to hide under.
This is the place where I think I might finally cry,
but somehow my face still stays dry,
and I wonder why I never cry,
I only bleed,
never cry,
never die.
This is a place where
I start to wonder if anyone would notice
if I just stayed here forever,
if they would see the emptiness in my eyes
(oh, my love, would you see the emptiness in my eyes?)
This is a place
I almost wish I could stay in,
because here I cannot feel the pain of emotions,
here nothing matters,
here words cannot penetrate,
here I am a tough scar and not an open wound,
here I am nonexistent
no one cares.

This is a place that I know I should leave
but I dont want to leave
I cannot leave now
I’m just too tired to leave now.

So let me sleep,
and in the morning I’ll be okay,
I’ll leave this place,
and no one will know that I ever left them
so I could sit in the empty darkness
with just my demons for company.

Let me dance with the darkness,
and let me sleep my way back to life.