Its been around 3 months or so since i actually tried to make new experiences.
people now surround me when i don't want to be alone,
don't want to sleep alone

i think i'm getting used to talking out loud and
having no one talk back.
i can't even tell if i'm isolating myself or if everyone is giving up on me.

were these people here to just pass time in the first place?
was i there just to entertain so they didn't get bored?
every day i smile wide,
because these people sure as hell never helped me through ****.

i refuse to truthfully apologize to my mother ever again
she loves alcohol more than me.
her priorities come from distorted memories,
stemmed from dreams mix with intoxication and night time cold medication
her eyes are wide, her blood vessels in her face surface
there was nothing i could ever do.

i refuse to ever mean "i'm sorry" to a woman who, on a daily basis,
calls me stupid and constantly tells me i need to lose weight
she wakes me up in the middle of the night and scares me.
and i'm 10 years old mentally all again, afraid.
and i'm 6 years old mentally all again, locked away, hiding.

maybe its for the best i leave