Let me tell you a story,

I never thought of being confused in a certain way that it rattles every nerve out of my body.

So there's K, who I am dating for almost 3 years. We had spent quite a number of adventures and shared so much memories together and I can say that I love her, and that is because I really do.

Problem is, I'm so caught up of her being my world. I revolved around her, she controls me, possess me, bury me, and I am tired, so tired of living a life like that, living in another person's happiness.

I was lost.

until one day, I was decided to be found

Her name was C

Yes, like the tea, and it rhymed with shy which is not certainly who she is.

She's this amazing beautiful lady who is very lovely and happy to be with.

But Uh-oh she has a partner.

I tried to be intact with myself but,

as time went by, we got very close with each other and didn't realize that we are creating a deeper degree of relationship we can't pull out off.

C, C-la..
showed me my way home
showed me a different perspective
made me feel comfortable
found me
held on
stayed

I am unfair
I am broken
I am lost
I am unworthy
I am a pain in the ***

but she accepted

and so, we continued to go out.

Held our hands
Stargazed
Hugged our emotions
Laid down
Kissed the pain away

Is this worth it?

Because certainly she's not worth of being treated like this and I do not want to pretend. It hurts as I am lying all over again with myself.

So now, here I am.

All over again.

Confused.
Trapped.
Broken.
Greedy.

For the love I want. On how selfish I can be.

"Choose to be right", they said

Well I did,

but HOW DO YOU CONTINUE?!

I want to be happy. To have something for myself. To be me.

But I can't.

I remember those nights with her. I remember how our hands fits. I remember how she let me play with her hair. I remember how I whisper on her ear, the scent of her, her lovely face with that wide forehead which I love to kiss, her hug, that warm tight hug that told me everything's gonna be fine.

Oh, how I long to stay by her side.

This was supposed to be perfect.

Us, we are suppose to find happiness.

Now, I leave it all to the Universe. I am too tired. I pray for enlightenment, for the signs, what shall I do? What shall we do?

I will leave for some time

*I hope to find an answer
I hope to find you.